


its not that much

by neekasc



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Based On Buzzfeed Unsolved, Bulimia, Food Issues, Gen, Hurt Ryan Bergara, Light Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, ish, just some good old body issues, ryan hates his body ?, worried Shane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 16:35:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15800421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neekasc/pseuds/neekasc
Summary: Buzzfeed is providing lunch for the staff and Ryan forgot to bring his lunch from home.





	its not that much

**Author's Note:**

> tw: bulimia  
> just a little Shane and Ryan one shot

When Ryan saw the food at the office for lunch, his heart stopped. He knew they would provide large meals at the office sometimes, but normally he brings his lunch so he doesn’t have to worry about other people seeing him eat (or not eat, if you will). He normally would just give some excuse about “dieting” or trying to eat “healthier”. Of course, today, he didn’t bring his lunch. Would it look too suspicious to not eat? Maybe he could sneak off to the bathrooms and hide out until lunch is over? Or find an empty room to stay in? He looked around to see if anyone would notice if he slipped away, but behind him, Shane was already walking toward him.  


“Hey buddy! Lunch looks good today, right?” He motioned to Ryan to follow him to the full table. “Bet you’re glad you didn’t bring your lunch.”  


“Yeah… Guess I picked the right day to forget,” Ryan gave a small, fake, laugh. His hand on the back of his neck. Too late to leave now, he thought. Maybe he could just fake sick? Doesn’t that always work? He was overthinking the situation. All he needed to do was act natural. Just act natural, he repeated to himself.  


“You coming?” Shane half shouted over the distance, considering Ryan still hadn’t moved and Shane was already waiting to grab a plate. Ryan just gave a slight nod and walked over, inspecting all the food in front of him.  


All he could see was the boxes of large deep-dish pizzas (like classic Chicago style, thick, with lots of cheese pizzas) with assorted toppings. None of the slices were small either. Just by looking at the size of the slice Shane now had on his plate, he could tell it was at least five hundred calories. Just in one piece. He felt sick just looking at it. But he followed suit anyway. Picking up a plate, he settled on the cheese because the less toppings the better.  


“Only one piece?” Shane eyed his plate.  


“Yeah-uh- I’m not that hungry.” Ryan shrugged. He was afraid Shane was suspicious. After all, this so-called “diet” hasn’t been around that long, and he’s avoided eating around anyone to keep everyone from knowing. This was his thing. In fact, no one else knew, not even the small notebook in his nightstand.  


He followed Shane to a table where Sara and Jen were already sitting. “Ooo- Ryan, really staying dedicated to this diet, aren’t you?” Jen poked fun at his single slice of cheese pizza. He looked at her two pieces of peperoni pizza with parmesan and ranch, and cringed. She was wasting a whole day’s worth of calories at lunch.  


“Hah, guess so…” He wasn’t quite sure what to say. He wished he didn’t have to talk to anyone. Or see anyone. He was so tense and being on the verge of putting this pizza in his mouth was not helping. He could already feel all the fat settling into his stomach, and he hadn’t even taken a bite yet.  


He could hear the other three talking in the background but he wasn’t listening, assuming they weren’t talking to him. He tried to muster up the courage to eat the whole piece, but he, honest to god, did not think he could.  


One bite. It’s okay. Two bites. It’s not that much. Three bites. You can do this. Four bites. You don’t want anyone to think anything. Five bites. Only five hundred. Not that bad. Six bites. He had to stop. He was halfway done and it was okay. He could finish it. He looked up and Jen was almost done with her first slice, same with Sara and Shane. It almost made him feel more pathetic. He can’t even eat pizza anymore.  
He took a large drink of his water before trying to return to the pizza. Water always makes things a little easier to throw up later. And he continued on, almost finishing the whole slice when he heard his name.  


“Ryan… Ryan…? Hello…? Earth to Ryan?” Shane was waving his hand in front of his face now and he snapped up to attention, unaware of how long they were trying to talk to him.  


“What? Oh, sorry…” The three were looking at him with concerned eyes. So much for being unnoticeable.  


“You good, dude? You seem kinda quiet?” They all nodded in agreement with Shane. He had to get out of here. Just looking at everyone else eating effortlessly was too much for him.  


“I’m fine… just feel a little sick,” Ryan stood, ready to escape to the nearest bathroom and get rid of all the shit in his stomach. “I’m gonna go use the bathroom.”  


He was already walking away before he could hear their responses. It probably didn’t look good for him but at this point he was more concerned with purging than what people thought of him. He checked all the stalls in the bathroom to make sure it was just him, and he took his place in the farthest one from the door.  


He bent himself over, trying his best to not touch the toilet by keeping his hands on his knees, and clenched his stomach, forcing himself to burp and gag the food slightly up his throat. Doing that always makes it easier when you shove your fingers down your throat. Which is exactly what he did next. He could feel his middle and index finger touching the very back of his throat. He nearly choked on his fingers as he yanked them out of his mouth, the vomit coming up soon after.  


The first bit is always the hardest but after a little comes out; your body just takes over. The taste of vomit becomes too much so you just instinctively keep going. Maybe an occasional second finger down your throat to keep it going but other than that… It’s so convenient for people like him. Effortless, except for the beginning, but you get used to that part quick.  


It was when he heard the bathroom door open, mid vomit of course, that his skin ran cold. Hopefully it was no one he knew closely. He stopped himself as soon as he could. Trying to stay as still and quiet as he could, keeping the considerable amounts of puke contained in his stomach.  


“Ryan? You in here?” Goddammit Shane. He could never keep to himself. Ryan could hear him bend down and look to see if there were any feet under the stall doors. Shit. He didn’t know what to do. “Ryan, it’s Shane…” No shit Sherlock, “I was checking to see if you’re okay, you were acting pretty weird.” His footsteps were getting closer to the stall door. Fuck. “Ryan, I know you’re in there!” he knocked on the stall door. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck.  


“Go away, Shane, I’m fine!” His voice came out scratchier than he would’ve liked. Guess that’s what happens when you try to talk mid purge.  


“Are you sure? You sound kinda bad…” His voice was laced with worry but Ryan didn’t care. All he wanted was to finish what he was doing here and get back to work.  


“Just go away, dude!” That came out louder than Ryan intended it to but it hardly mattered to him.  


“Alright! Sorry I bothered you!” His footsteps were louder than they were coming in, less gentle and kind. “Just tell me if you need anything.” And Ryan heard the door open and close fully. Causing him to let out a sigh. That was bad but it could’ve been worse. Shane could’ve seen him.  


It wasn’t hard to pick up where he left off considering his mouth still tasted of vomit and pizza. He shuddered just thinking about it. He doesn’t necessarily like throwing up, but at least it’s better than being fat.  


When he was done, he straightened himself up, his throat burning slightly. Oh, the price you pay to look at least halfway in shape. It was almost ironic considering the amount of people who look up to him and this is how he thinks of himself. Pathetic; he thought, physically shaking his head to try and get rid of the thoughts.  


He flushed the toilet, making sure there is no left-over puke on the seat and headed toward the sink outside the stall. Turning the water to the coldest setting, he cups his hands bringing the water up to his face; but he thinks he sees something out the corner of his eye. Looking up to the mirror, he’s surprised to see Shane standing behind him.  


“Jesus Christ Shane! What the fuck!” Ryan turned around quickly, coming face to face with a very confused and concerned Shane.  


“What the hell were you doing?” He used a tone that implied he already knew what I was doing, but didn’t say it.  


“I- uh- I’m sick?” Ryan sounded unsure even to himself. Fuck.  


“Were you doing that to yourself, Ryan?” He sounded really worried now. Ryan didn’t know what to say. What do you say? Yes? No? Ugh, he hated himself for not knowing what to do. But I guess no answer was the wrong answer because Shane really was connecting dots now. “Is this what the diet is about? And you not going out with us anymore?”  


Ryan just looked down. He was at a complete loss. He didn’t want anyone to know, let alone his best friend. It hurt him to think about telling him but it almost hurt worse trying to lie. A sheepish nod was all he could do and he wasn’t even sure if it was noticeable to the eye. He could hear Shane sigh.  


“How long?” Shane was slowly moving closer to him.  


“A while…” Ryan was quiet, still avoiding eye contact in any way possible.  


“Let me see your stomach…” He was quite close to Ryan now and he pulled up his shirt to reveal the outline of his ribs poking out a bit and his lower stomach beginning to have a slight inward curve. He ran his cold fingers over Ryan’s sharp ribs before releasing his shirt and pulling him into a tight hug. He held Ryan’s significantly smaller body close to his like it was the last time he was ever going to see him.  


“Why?” Shane whispered. He almost sounded heartbroken. Ryan didn’t want to hurt the people he loved, he just wanted to hurt himself.  


He just shook his head against Shane’s chest, trying his best to not get emotional. But it was hard when his best friend is acting the way he was. It was hard to not have a full on breakdown right here in the middle of the bathroom in Shane’s arms. Hell, it was hard to even keep small tears from seeping out. He didn’t know if he wanted to stay like this with Shane of if he wanted to run and hide for the rest of his life.  


Shane was the first to pull back. Keeping Ryan’s shoulders in his hands. “It’s okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Probably gonna write more one shots (I'm bad at ongoing stories because I get bored writing them rip)  
> wattpad: Yepitsneeka  
> instagram: 7startledstarfish  
> tumblr: what-makes-you-laugh-karl


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